Some time ago I went through a strange series of reflections and experiences on the topic of how Stanislav Grof might be feeling these days when he hears all the shocking information about the war in Ukraine. With his former wife Christina, he devoted a great deal of effort to the development of transpersonal psychology in Russia. In fact, in his past presentations, he even confided that he considered it to be a kind of life mission that he experienced in one holotropic session.
I have also seen many videos of lectures that they both gave in Russia. And now suddenly all this incredible turmoil… I experienced deep sadness and a strong desire to understand the deepest roots of aggression in the human soul in those reflections… Of course, I do not want to suggest that Stanislav Grof is actually experiencing this. It was all understandably just my projection. However, this has led me further to the question which I have been intensely dealing with these weeks. Where does aggression actually arise from, where are its roots?
Old wisdom says that if you want to change the world, start with yourself. And the same certainly applies to understanding it. So if I want to understand aggression in the world, I must also start with myself. But of course, a feeling immediately arose in me – I’m not that aggressive… But then another feeling asked – really? Better make sure of that… And so my wife Kateřina and I tried to make some dives into the expanded consciousness on the topic of aggression. We had various experiences and brought back strong visions from the depths, but whether we found any answers or not, that is up to each individual to judge. We certainly did not find any specific solution to what is happening in Ukraine today. But that is probably beyond our abilities…
In previous texts, I described how I delved in the trips into various entrenched traumas within myself and tried to shake them off, scream them out, and cry them out. The deeper I went, the stronger and less graspable traumas I found. And it took me a really long time to shake some of them off me. But it brought me even greater relief afterwards…
During a session focused on understanding aggression, I got into something that looked very similar at first glance. I was running in a circle full of traumas, but the difference was that I was not stuck there, but on the contrary, very active. And I wasn’t alone there. I was caught there with some other beings and it took me a while to admit to myself that we were very actively hurting each other there.
It was a little private hell that we very aggressively created together. It was a constant carousel of aggression, suffering, fear, egoism, revenge, pain – everything bad I can imagine was there. And I and the others were very actively and stubbornly causing these bad things to each other and everyone was trying to win over the others. It really shocked me. Do I really have such aggressive spheres within me? Or is it just a metaphor? Anyway, the problem was it was almost impossible for me to leave that experience. I was too engrossed in the fight, I couldn’t stop. After all, the others would destroy me, and I certainly didn’t intend to give up. I won’t be the “loser”, the defeated one – so I definitely won’t end up like that…
But that mutual hurting and suffering just didn’t seem to end. We couldn’t die there, or maybe we were dying and coming back around in circles… We couldn’t win, and we couldn’t stop it all. We couldn’t agree to leave that mutual aggression with dignity. No one wanted to stop, we all wanted to win in the story of the one and only strongest winner who “beats” everyone else…
But after some time, the whole experience became so completely absurd, and the suffering we were causing each other in this way was so incredibly pointless and unbearable, and it led to absolutely nothing, that I suddenly started begging for liberation from this terrible carousel of aggression. And somehow, it automatically occurred to me that I had to beg for everyone who was caught there, because otherwise, none of us would get out of there.
The plea or prayer for liberation gradually became deeper and stronger, and then something like light came. And I started to shake similarly to when I shook off the trauma, but it was something much stronger, and then at one point, an incredible relief flooded me, and I could finally “breathe freely again”… It was an incredibly liberating experience, and at the same time, a kind of understanding that mutual aggression and revenge lead nowhere, and once it begins, it is almost impossible to stop…
But the experience did not end there. Another one followed – similar but much more intense, with greater hurting, stronger aggression, and stubbornness. And I was circling there for a really long time. There was a lot more at stake here, and if I lost, I would really be a “true loser”, a really big one. So I put much more determination into the mutual fight with the others…
It wasn’t until a really long time that I realized that it led to nothing, and that we could hurt each other in this way for a very long time, and still, none of us would win… After this understanding, I started praying for liberation again. But it was really difficult because in this sphere, in this carousel of aggression, we hurt each other very stubbornly, and victory had an extraordinary value for all of us… So I had to pray and ask for help for a long time and with great effort. Only then did that strange light come again, and I could finally shake off that experience and take a new deep breath…
But even that wasn’t the end yet. Another “hellish world” came. Even deeper, even more merciless, there was no escape here. Winning at any cost was absolutely necessary. Any cost… It was a cruel experience. The mercilessness of mutual aggression and hurting each other was monstrous. It was as if the whole sphere was glowing, full of fire. But I wouldn’t call it “hellfire”. It was the fire of aggression, anger, and resentment in all of us who were trapped there, fighting each other desperately…
I couldn’t get out of this sphere, I couldn’t reach that “stopping point,” I didn’t start praying for deliverance here. I was so perfectly controlled by that cruel desire to “win”… I was there for a long time, and then I was simply sent back. Suddenly, a strong and wise being stood in my way and made it clear that it was enough and that I had to go back. And on the other side, my wife Kateřina was cautiously “pulling me back” too…
It was difficult to release myself from there. The power of conviction that it was necessary to fight and win at any cost was truly cruel. Stronger than anything else I had known up to that point. The game of the only strongest winner who “takes it all” was absolutely overwhelming there. Only when I distanced myself from there at least a little, did the thought come to me that we really need to start living a different “archetypal story.” But emerging from there cost me a lot of time and energy, and somewhere along the way, I lost that understanding. Fortunately, our friend later reminded me of it during a discussion on this topic…
Afterwards I had to think about the whole experience for several days before I felt able to write something wise about it, even if only for myself… What did I actually discover? Well, as a culture, we definitely need to “switch” to a different story. We need cooperation, empathy, and compassion. Unfortunately, we are literally trapped in the game of “the winner takes all” in any direction… Now, after returning from that brutal hell of the absolute conviction of the need to win at any cost and to retaliate for everything that others caused me during that fight prevailed, I am much more aware of the absurdities we do in this game. And not just do. Even our dreams and thoughts are full of imaginary wins over anyone around us…
But I also notice that some people do not want to play this game. It’s not because they are weak. Rather, it is because they already understand that it leads nowhere. However, we live in a world where this game for the absolute winner still has many supporters. And it is understandable that its “ardent followers” push themselves into positions that help them win more and faster… And it is not possible to be passive about what they are doing. However, that inner hell of constant mutual harm also showed me that the way out of the wheel of aggression does not lead through “victory”… I don’t know what to do about it, maybe other people are wiser in this regard than I am…
Of course, I am aware that all of this that I have written here is actually nothing new or discovered. They are old, well-known and often spoken truths. But the big difference for me is that I really experienced those spheres in my trip. That for me it is not just some “moralizing sermon” about the horrors of some imaginary “hell”… The most frightening thing for me, however, was the realization that we created that hell for each other there. We didn’t need anyone else to do it – we were demons to each other and played that terrible aggressive game with cruel persistence… We did not need any Satan or Devil. We were those Satans and Devils in those spheres…
And as I look at the events of our current days I think our world is now actually very close to one of those hells that I experienced in my session. Would we be able see that? Would we be able to do something about it? Can we start living a different archetypal story together? Would we be able to abandon that absurd never ending fight for absolutely useless and totally illusionary victorias?
